In the classroom

In the classroom

Friday, July 31, 2009

How to choose a life partner

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach tofinding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake peoplemake when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based onlove. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's aprofound truth here.Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result ofa good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the lovewill come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationshipon love alone'; You need a lot more!!!Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious aboutfinding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do youplan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need acommon life purpose.Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Thebasis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e.. trust that I won'tget 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom youfeel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest withyourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with theperson you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can youtest? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on aregular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher ofmine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be goodand do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do theydo with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually amaterialistic person is not someone whose top priority is characterrefinement.There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People whoare dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated toseeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable willput personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to knowthat before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is theability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another personpleasure.Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are theywrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat peoplewhom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxidrivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do theyhave gratitude and appreciation?If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given themeverything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure thatsomeone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly aswell.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intentionof trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague ofmine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriagefor the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they arenow, then you are not ready to marry them.In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less withyour heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating;to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring onyour finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn'tdo your homework.Another perspective...There are some people in your life that need to be loved from adistance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or atleast minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,not 'going anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are goingdownhill?When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?Which ones dont appreciate you?Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving andcaring words or annotations.The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love andtruth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who getsto sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of yourlife.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open,and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make acommitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem make you blind towarning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you canchange someone or that what you see as faults aren't really thatimportant.Do you bring out the best in each other?Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,compare and control?What do you bring to the relationship?Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't makesomeone love you or make someone stay.If you develop selfâ€'esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; youwon't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happinessor responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT 10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode asresentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain willreplace.

1 comment:

koh said...

Too many tips on how to get mr right and end up happily ever after. From my experience, the best advice is go marry someone whom u find is ok but make sure he loves u much much more than u love him.This man wil sacrifice everything just 4 u.

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